When I finished reading your letter my first reaction was to grab you and give you a quick shake, or otherwise hit you over the head. The latter never did work on Angel, so I doubt it would actually work on you. In order to do the first, you’d actually have to be here. But then I considered the amount of violence that has been going around here lately and thought better of it.
Still, I wish I could snap you out of this mood. Alicia calls it ’emo’ (Which I at first thought was a bird, but I digress). Even though I can understand why you are in such a mood, I cannot agree with some of your reasons or views of yourself. I am not talking about the *why* you are in there, because that is a reason I’m not going to touch in a letter to you. I am mostly talking about your views of yourself.
Of course Cordelia would be the first one to point out to me how much of a hypocrite I would be when it comes to getting angry with how you view yourself. And Lindsey right there with her. Which is probably why I can understand better then anyone who difficult it is to change that view.
I’m going to try anyway.
So, you’re a demon. Let me pause here by saying, so what? I’m human, that doesn’t mean anything. You’re still a living being with feelings and emotions, strong as they sometimes are. Overwhelming even. Whether or not you are an evil and bad person has nothing to do with being a demon, so get that out of your head right away. I don’t care if you are a demon or not.
I’m in love with a half demon and someone who used to be ‘evil’ despite the soul. The soul isn’t the thing that will make you ultimately ‘good’, Connor, it doesn’t work that way. The soul is what give you the choice between right and wrong. But we emotional beings have just that, emotions, which sometimes clouds our judgment of right and wrong. Gives it a completely darkened black and white definition. But the world isn’t black and white, it’s gray and lines are blurred.
And sometimes there is no right or wrong. Sometimes you get no choice but the lesser of two evils.
Angelus is not your father, Connor, you and I are going to have to disagree on this. Angel is your father. Darla is your mother and she was right when she said you were the only good thing she and Angel had ever accomplished together. I still believe that, nothing will change this.
I am not a champion Connor. I never was and I never will be. I’m just a man who’s made many mistakes and failures, had to pick himself up and move on. Because that’s all you can do at one point. Cut your losses and move on, alone or if you’re lucky, with someone at your side to help you. Even if it’s just cheering from the sidelines.
When it became apparent that you came back from Quor-Toth (though no one thought to inform me of this, and why should they) I always told myself that if you had any questions, I’d answer them. But I will only answer them face to face, because unlike what the majority of the population around us seems to think, I’m not a coward. And you deserve better.
I do not condone what you have done, Connor. But I’m not going to judge. Just as I do not condone what Faith has done. It is not my task to judge anyone, and if you’re looking for someone to tell you how bad and evil and ultimately wrong you are, I suggest you look elsewhere.
So I will answer your questions, but only face to face, which will probably mean you’ll be getting a visitor soon if you’re so inclined. And allowed, probably.
- Wesley Wyndam-Pryce